. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, and I can stand taking crap from others but I typically will not stand for it when I see it done to others.
The last seven weeks have been probably the hardest of my life, especially when it comes to transparency. Because of feeling like I couldn't be open, or wasn't up for being open, I haven't been blogging. I've wanted to, I've typed a few up, but always felt like I was lying by omission. That there was a huge elephant in the room and I wasn't addressing it. My blogs felt fake. So I haven't blogged.
Note --- this is probably a horrible example to start this out with but it popped in my head, its just an example and has never been true in my marriage ---- You know when a husband has an affair and the wife decides not to tell anyone. She doesn't want them looking down on her husband because they are trying to work it out. Or because she doesn't want to be known as the wife that took back her cheating husband (and yes this could be flipped to the cheating wife). I've always wondered why the wife would not speak up. How can the husband be held accountable in the future? Why is all the burden and responsibility placed upon the wife? The situation has always left me puzzled.
This type of situation has been playing out within my own home for the last seven weeks and has given me a knew insight... I have held back the truth about someone and the situation they created for them self because I was fighting for them and didn't want to 'sabotage' the situation ---- now I realize this isn't possible. There is no accountability to the person who committed the offense. They simply move on from our house and continue the downward spiral taking anyone out who catches on to their game. Here is what has taken place - why am I typing this all up on my blog - to be open and honest with my feelings and share one of the biggest struggles of my life --- knowing when to let someone go. This is how we have seen the events go down over last 7 weeks:
Trampled On
My husband went through some pretty intense high school years. He was home schooled up until his sophomore year, and then in November of that year his world was rocked off its core. There were affairs, convictions and jail time in his home. He was left on his own, and at times homeless.
Through everything he has been through he has always displayed a deep love for his Dad, Steve. He gets this look in eyes when he talks on the phone with him, the same look Bubba gets when he says something about video games or something super funny to Jon and they both laugh. I sense he has one of those bonds with his Dad. One of deep respect and love. Its no secret that Jon wishes his Dad were around more, and in turn I do believe his Dad feels the same way about Jon. His Dad has since remarried a wonderful woman, Sherrie, and they have a family together, blessing Jon with step siblings and two half siblings... this being the reason for him not being around, although it still is a bummer, is very reasonable and supported in our house.
Yet with his Mom, Andrea, its always been different. Since day one of our relationship I've sensed more of a duty type relationship to his mom, or that he parents her instead of the other way around. There were things that she did that left Jon in pieces, but instead of her being there to help him, he had to be there for her to help her pick up her own pieces. Yes he loved her and yes it was clear, but there was something I couldn't put my finger on.
Over the last ten years of our relationship it has become more clear. He hasn't felt unconditional love from her. She was around when she needed emotional support, financial support, or help with his little sister. It began to frustrate me that she never recognized what an amazing man he had become {or even recognize that despite his crappy hand she dealt him he was there with unconditional love for her}. Once we moved away the phone calls were few and far between. She didn't try to develop a relationship with our kids (let alone me). Unless we paid for her to visit there would be no visits (and I don't buy the excuse of not having money, set 20 aside a month and you could pay for a visit each year, stop paying $75 for vitamins every month and you could visit even more often).
Two and half years ago she lost her job. Fast forward to Jan of this year and her unemployment was running out and she hadn't found a job. The church, family, and friends, had been helping pay bills, buy food, and so on. She was running out of options so she was going to move in with her brother in TN, when she said to us that it would be easier if she was moving to be close to us or Jon's older sister Dianna. I brought it up with Jon thinking it would be a great chance for her to start fresh, restore her relationship with him, and finally have one with the kids and I. He has a great heart and was on the same page, although he was doubtful and warned me to be doubtful too {should have listened... I'll say it for him "I told you so"} .
Fast forward - we moved into our house which is already 1000ft smaller than our last house, and the next day found out she was indeed moving in with us. Quickly switched around the rooms and put all the kids in two rooms and had a room cleared out for her. Fast forward three weeks and it was time for her arrival. The first day should have set off alarms within me, well, it did but I ignored the red flags. She bailed on our dinner in mid bite to go out with her 'boy toy' that helped her move her (not boy friend but certainly not just a male friend) and didn't come home until 1:30 am (nice welcome and thanks for opening your house up to me, right?). Over the next two weeks I drove her all over town showing her the lakes, the houses, getting her license, registration, car inspected, bringing Jon drinks (either homemade juice, or starbucks) nearly every day, and so on. I was really trying to make her feel at home and build connections. I made dinner and we all ate together every night. I was hopeful that this was the change we had all been praying for. That these relationships were developing roots and would blossom into a beautiful thing.
Then the shift started.
It was called - online dating. (i.e. meeting guys online and having them take you out to see the town because you have no job and can't afford it.) It became obvious that more time was spent on finding a guy than on finding a job, or on building relationships with her son or his family. After a few dates Jon had a talk with her, a very honest talk. She said all on her own that she would not date she didn't need to. The next day she lied to me and my kids about where she was going and went on another date, then the following day the same thing. Then the lies got worse and more elaborate. That a girl from the church found her a job, that she was out with her --- the web was getting so big it was hard for her to keep her path straight and she spun out and was busted. The big lies never fooled either of us, but when one is caught in their own web of lies its a lot easier to discuss than when there are just accusations of lies.
Another talk followed, another talk filled with empty hopes and broken promises. Fast forward again up until two weeks ago. The lies were still being spun. More dates, lots more dates. Still no job. Now instead of spending anytime with the kids or I, we were ignored all day. Her days were spent locked up in her room on her phone, something even the kids noticed. Her nights were spent in the same manner. Another conversation, and not more than thirty minutes after the tears and apologizes she was on the phone with another guy. A guy that randomly found her from high school, that she hadn't spoken to in thirty years. She was on the phone with him until well past midnight when Zekie woke up and we could hear her laughing and chatting away.
Everything hit the fan on Tuesday of last week. There was no fight for her kids, there was no fight for her being a part of their lives. There was just a fight about really liking this guy, Daryl, that she was lying about dating. There were lies about how much money she had. There were lies that she was telling people about us. There was the elephant in the room that slipped and was found out - she was given more money by her brother to move out to TN and she was leaving.
Then there was then the biggest bomb - she blamed her oldest daughter Dianna accusing her of saying horrible things that I supposedly had said and horrible things about me. She was willing to toss her kids relationships aside as long as she got to play the victim. It was a gut wrenching pain. Lies really can cause physical pain and this one did just that. The history with Jons sister and our relationships is a rocky one. We were all very close, together a few times during the week, and daily phone calls back when we first had Shortie. Then a falling out, we were all young and all made mistakes. We have worked really hard to restore the relationships and are very blessed to have each others families in our life's again. Andrea knew the hurt that our fall out caused all of us. We had each cried, we had each poured out our hurt. Yet in the two hour conversation centered on her accusing Dianna of saying these things she never back tracked. Jon stated that if these things are true that him and his sister would be done. He can't restore a relationship to healthy to have it tossed right back out. Andrea sat there, listening, hearing over and over the hurt and the statements of losing that relationship. It didn't matter to her. Jon had that gut feeling his mom, now known as Andrea in the house, was lying. He called his sister and she had the same reaction - a kick in the gut. Shock, stunned, deeply hurt. Why would any mom be willing to toss her kids out to simply make herself look good by playing the victim?
I was being blamed for her having to move. I was being thrown out with the trash. I was told directly from Andrea, "I liked you" when I looked at Jon and said, "did you catch that past tense" Andrea then responded "well I did, I don't now" - wow! Jon told her I was the only one fighting for her and she just lost that. The conversation went on, full of disrespect and more rudeness than most high school teachers get in a day from their crazy teenagers. At midnight that night we felt it was best for me and the kids to be out of the house. Jon said the kids "needed normalcy", and that my parents would love on them and it would be so good for them to feel special and wanted. Bright and early the next morning I made the three and a half hour drive with my kids to stay a few days at my parents.
We returned home Friday night, and after being ignored all evening and all Saturday we sat down with Andrea on Saturday night. If she was moving out we needed to know the plan to prepare our kids. Its not fair to them. We stressed that fact. Jon told her she owed me an apology. That all her lies were to constant to be an accident...her excuse for most things is to play innocent with "oh, no I don't remember" or "oh, I didn't mean that to be...." its a nice song and dance she has developed and we caught on to it.
I have a great memory for details, I also journal daily. So I had all the dates in front of me and all the stories she spun. We had text messages that she had sent. There was no way out. Just in case it was spun a different way to others like she had done in the past, or in case she later says "I didn't say that", I recorded the entire three hour conversation.
We just wanted to her take ownership for her actions. To have accountability for what she did. To show that there was still a reason to fight for these relationships. But it was hopeless. While even caught in her own lie via her own text she still tried to get around it. She had told us that on Friday she was going to the mall to walk the whole thing, to fight for a job so she could stay her. Then Saturday she text saying she "didn't make it to all the stores" and was going back to do more. In our conversation when asked if she even went to the mall she said that she did indeed go. I asked her to be more specific (we knew she was lying and never went to the mall to find a job). She said well I was in the parking lot on the phone... here goes the round of twenty answers to finally get to the bottom line of the one question. Okay - did you go inside the mall. "I went to at&t to get my phone fixed"... grr "did you apply at any store, did you get a single application" --- "well no" okay so you LIED! then the next one "did you at least apply at Einsteins" (we got her the application). "Yes, I did the application" ... did you catch that one? --- her lie of omission or trying to mislead, "okay, did you turn in the application" Andrea's answer: "no but I filled it out" hello - but a job isn't going to know to hire you if you don't turn in an application! This is what we have been dealing with.
Then came the eye opener - when directly asked if she would fight for a relationship with her kids her exact answer was "I don't know". Its a simple yes or no question and when one says I don't know it means NO. So no you wouldn't fight for your kids, so you do not deserve to have your kids in your life!
Then yesterday was the nail in the coffin on any hope of a relationship.
Remember that guy she got the letter from that she knew in high school, well he took a train down from Michigan to help her move (odd, yes very much so... oh and that guy Daryl she was 'seeing' for three weeks out here asked her to marry him and live with him.... all so strange). Anyways she lied to us and told us it was her brothers friend. I was putting the kids down for a nap when they got here to load up (and we had a rule about no guys allowed to know where we lived for the safety of our kids - she broke that one). I fell asleep with the kids and when they finally woke up everything but her bed and dog were gone from the room. She walked upstairs and said she wasn't going to move the bed. I reminded her that Jon had specifically told her to take the bed (she didn't want it). She said no. I then asked her for the paper work we needed from her - her bank statements (we were applying for state insurance for the kids since Jon's doesn't start until after 6 months of employment). She had told us she would over and over. Now she had every excuse in the world (we found out she has a nice saving account and 401k that she didn't want us to know about since everyone was giving her money and she owed us money that she supposedly couldn't pay us because she could afford it - did I mention she didn't pay a penny for anything while here in 7weeks). She said "well, I don't know I can't access it online for some reason" Famous last words of a family member kissing goodbye their relationships. She was half way down the stairs when she said that. I didn't realize she was holding the small little dog crate in her arm, she must have been because about three minutes later I heard my daughter, heart broken "Mom, Grandma Andrea just drove down the street" I looked up to see the back side of her moving truck towing her car. My heart jumped so hard I thought I was going to fall. I wanted to scream. I wanted to shake her. I wanted to make her realize what she was doing. I knew in that moment that that would be the last time my children would see their grandma.
As a Mom it is my job to protect my kids and Andrea is toxic. You do not under any circumstance walk out on my kids and ever expect to be allowed back in without proving to me you deserve it. As a wife it is my job to seek only the best for my husband and to support him. I 100% support him in not wanting anything to do with Andrea.
She couldn't wait 45 minutes to say goodbye to her son, she couldn't put her self centered ways aside for two minutes and say goodbye to my babies. They cried. They had questions. They were confused. If she ever wants a relationship with our babies she needs to change, prove to us she has changed, apologize to us - and then the thing that I think will be the hardest -- my babies will need to want her to be a part of their life.
In the first few seconds after she left I didn't know what to do. I had been fighting for someone that didn't want to fight for them self. I knew what Jon's reaction would be. I didn't want to believe that she really just did that. I called his sister, crying from anger, saying to please call Andrea. Tell her to come say goodbye to these kids. Tell her to say goodbye to Jonathan. That if she didn't she knew what the outcome would be. There had been plenty of warnings. That she would be cut from our life.
She never turned her truck around. She didn't even text Jon goodbye.
Once Jon got home he was left to not only help heal the broken hearts of our children he was left to clean up crap Andrea left behind. She left her bed with blankets. She left her running shoes. She left a plastic thing in the closest. She left the floor covered in dog pee and black stains. She left marks on the walls. She left a garage full of stuff she no longer wanted...chairs, table, computer, microwave, crates of papers, lamps, blankets... lots of crap.
He text her saying that he is mending to his children, taking care of her crap she left behind, and that there was damage to the room. That he guesses she couldn't wait to say goodbye to him, but even if he had been there she probably wouldn't have anyways. And his last words to her in the text, "it was nice knowin ya".
after all of that...all the talks...everything. Her response and last words to him:
"what damage"
Trampled on.
Heartbroken.
Picking up the pieces.
